A Peck Of Trouble



By Tony Kornheiser



Sunday, September 29 1996; Page F01

The Washington Post 



Sexual harassment is a very serious thing. And a man can be every bit as opposed to sexual

harassment as a woman. Take Bob Packwood. You think I want his tongue in my mouth? 



But perhaps the good people of Lexington, N.C., have defined "sexual harassment" a bit too,

ha-ha, broadly. 



Lexington school officials yanked 6-year-old towhead Johnathan Prevette out of class and

charged him with sexual harassment for kissing a 6-year-old girl on the cheek. I couldn't help

but notice that Patricia Ireland, president of the National Organization for Women, thought

this punishment was dandy. She said, "Boys who aren't taught to respect girls grow up to be

workers at the Mitsubishi plant." Hmmm. And girls who aren't taught a sense of proportion

grow up to be humorless, desiccated, sanctimonious spokespersons for national

organizations, and get savaged in print because they deserve it.



Listen, the kid is 6. Let's not make him into Rob Lowe. Little boys pecking little girls on the

cheek is Americana. Norman Rockwell, that famous pornographer, became beloved painting

scenes like that. The original Mapplethorpe!



Now, in all fairness, perhaps we should look at the other side of the issue. Perhaps we are

only hearing half the story. There are several plausible explanations for the seemingly insane

actions of the school officials:



1) Perhaps little Johnathan has flesh-eating bacteria of the lips, and the poor victim now has

an oozing crater in her face the size of a grapefruit half. 



2) Perhaps little Johnathan is a vampire, and the little girl is now undead.



3) Perhaps little Johnathan administered the Hickey From Hell.



4) Perhaps the school officials of Lexington, N.C., are pathetic, fatheaded doofuses.



USA Today ran a big story on this. My favorite sentence was: "Though details of this incident

are scarce, some educators say Lexington officials may have overreacted."



Oh, really?



You mean in the sense that Jeffrey Dahmer "overreacted" to feeling lonely, by eating people?

Or Henry VIII "overreacted" to the birth of a girl by cutting off his wife's head?



My second favorite sentence in the USA Today story came from the congressman whose

district includes Lexington. He said, "Heretofore, Lexington has been known for good

furniture and delicious barbecue. I hope this incident won't detract from those."



Nah.



Lexington's reputation is still fine. Like in Salem.



"Welcome to Lexington, Where Holding Hands Is Only a Misdemeanor."



"Lexington. Kiss This."



"Beautiful Downtown Lexington, Home of Good Furniture, Delicious Barbecue and Very

Bad Judgment."



Little boys pecking little girls on the cheek is as American as little boys dipping little girls'

pigtails in the inkwell, which, if you ask me, is specifically protected under the Eleventeenth

Amendment to the Constitution. These are the Kodak moments, aren't they? The moments of

purity and innocence. Your first kiss. Your first slow dance. The first time you saw Tina

Giaquinto in fishnet stockings.



We have to cut our kids a little slack here. I am speaking from experience. I once did

something sexually bad. I once harassed a girl. I once did something that makes little

Johnathan Prevette's act seem like, um, child's play. 



I was in sixth grade at Hewlett Elementary School in Hewlett, Long Island. And one day, as

part of a science lesson, the teacher called us all to the front of the room to gather around a

big box with a couple of hamsters inside. Standing in front of me was the most beautiful girl in

the world, Jadis Weisburg, whom I had lusted after all year. The very sight of her left me

weak-kneed. Well, I took a deep breath and made my move. I pushed away Arthur Popp

and David Schneiderman so I could stand next to Jadis. And as she leaned over the box to

see these disgusting little rodents, I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against hers. And

to my undying gratitude, she held her cheek there. To this day that's the softest thing I've ever

touched.



Luckily, I was in Long Island. If I were in Lexington, N.C., I would have been placed in leg

shackles upside down, because the school officials there have about as much . . . 



Wait! I just thought of something! I think I've broken this case! The school officials in

Lexington never told us which cheek Jonathan kissed! Maybe there really is more to this than

meets the eye! Maybe he is a serial butt-kisser! If that's true, there could be a job for the kid

in Washington. 



                    Copyright 1996 The Washington Post Company