A Dirty Little Secret



By Tony Kornheiser



Sunday, September 22 1996; Page F01

The Washington Post 



Important news from the world of science generally follows a certain script. The Institute for

Obtaining Gigantic Research Grants issues the results of a study showing that, say, laboratory

rats are 70 percent more likely to develop esophageal cancer if spanked continually while

being fed a diet of Ovaltine and Snickers. The press seeks out experts and quotes them. The

experts urge restraint. The American Association of Worried Moms expresses concern. The

chocolate industry indignantly questions the methodology of the study. And then everyone

forgets the whole thing a few days later when the Institute for Issuing Press Releases About

Rocks reveals that many, many millennia ago, something exploded somewhere and it was

very, very loud. (New York Post Page 1 headline: "Ba-Da-BOOM!") My point is, the press

is pretty used to these stories by now. We know how to react. 



However, a new study came out the other day that left me speechless. The American Society

of Microbiology reports that although 94 percent of adults say that they wash their hands after

using public restrooms, only about 70 percent actually do. 



This raises two important scientific questions: 



1. Huh? 



2. How could they have found 6 percent of the people who would actually 'fess up to not

washing their hands after going to the bathroom? Who on Earth would admit that? Ted

Kaczynski, maybe, but that's about it. 



To perform this study, the Institute sent researchers into public bathrooms in six major cities.

(Hey, laboratory, lavatory, what's the difference?) They stayed there all day, watching people.

I mean, who do you have to know to get that job? It is amazing they weren't all arrested by

the vice squad. Or killed. 



"What you doin' here, man?" 



"Well, actually, I was watching you pee, and taking notes. Er, I'm just curious, were you

planning on washing that hand?" 



Punch. Thud. Tinkle. 



Was this survey really necessary? Among the official scientific findings were that women wash

their hands more than men. This is not exactly startling news, is it? It is why I am always

happy to see a woman dental hygienist. 



Flash: Women are cleaner than men! What a surprise! Next, these wacky scientists will be

trying to convince us that black people tend to have darker skin that white people, that old

people have a much higher rate of death than young people, and that dogs spend more time

licking their privates than humans do.



Speaking of dogs, this survey of hand-washing was not limited to bathrooms. It was also

reported that people do not tend to wash their hands after petting their dogs, or coughing, or

sneezing, or handling money, or sifting raw sewage through their fingers. 



Okay, I made that last one up. But the others are real. Now, I don't know about you, but

none of that stuff alarms me much. If I washed my hands every time I handled money or

coughed, I would basically have to move my office at The Post into the men's room. (Not that

some people, commenting on the tone and language of these columns, haven't suggested that's

where it belongs.)



But there is one fact from the survey that is more than mildly disturbing: 



Not everyone washes his hands after changing diapers!



The survey cited a story from the Sept. 13 issue of the Centers for Disease Control and

Prevention Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (Note to the editors of this newsletter:

Great mag, but you might consider a snappier title, like the Eat Poop & Die Quarterly)

reporting that some 50 people attending a social function in Minnesota got sick after eating

chicken salad that had been prepared by the owner of a day-care center after she changed

diapers. 



Wow.



Clearly this alarming hygiene laxity has gotten out of hand. Hahahaha. 



So what can we do about it? 



One solution would be to make hand-washing more fun. Public bathrooms tried this about 30

years ago, when they came up with those hot-air blowing machines, to replace towels and

make hand-drying an aerodynamic adventure. 



The novelty wore off almost immediately, along with the top layer of your skin. Those

machines burned and blistered, and once, when I tried to dry off my face, it set my mustache

on fire, and someone walked in to find me hopping from foot to foot, slapping my mouth and

whooping in pain, looking like an Indian from a very, very bad 1950s movie. 



So that won't work. But here are four ideas for what we could do to make public

hand-washing more appealing:



1. Edible soap in trendy flavors, like "Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough." 



2. Naked cherub-style hand-washing fountains featuring attractive members of the opposite

sex.



3. Instead of sinks, carnival-style booths in which you throw wet sponges at a nasty clown.



4. Bathroom attendants with visible sidearms and a button that says, "Have you washed your

hands today?" 

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