Feature, Don't Fail Me Now

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, October 27 1996; Page F01

The Washington Post

I was going to take the easy way out this week and write about poor Bob Dole, whose

campaign is floundering like a, um, flounder. (We famous writers are masters of the analogy.)

I was going to suggest that after his canny gambit to persuade Ross Perot to quit the race

backfired like a 1952 Studebaker, Dole's only remaining hope involved persuading Bill

Clinton to quit the race. I was going to suggest that since nobody bit on his 15 percent tax cut,

maybe Dole could be like Sy Syms and offer a 30 percent tax cut, and then a few days later

offer a 60 percent tax cut and mark it "final." I was going to suggest that as a last-ditch

desperation move, and to demonstrate his hipness, Dole should seek big-name celebrity

endorsements. And then I was going to observe that he would probably ask Mickey Rooney

and Wallace Beery.

But as I said, trashing Dole would be the easy way out. I decided to take the easier way out.

I made that decision when I received in the mail a catalogue titled "Feature Ideas." It is a

brochure for lazy journalists such as myself. The brochure consists entirely of ads for people

who are available for interviews, mostly individuals who have books to flog.

I love this catalogue. Let's take a run through it.

Here's Charles Long, author of "How to Survive Without a Salary." Mr. Long offers tips on

how to slash your grocery bill -- "like how to find free city gardens in your area where you

can grow your own food." Doesn't that sound like fun? And while you're waiting for your

crops to ripen, perhaps you can live in a dumpster and eat out of garbage cans.

Here's Dawn Hall, author of "Down Home Cookin'." I now quote from the actual copy that

accompanies Ms. Hall's ad, under the pleading headline "Interview the Guest Whose

Terminally Ill Husband Is Miraculously Recovering -- Thanks to Her Cookbook!":

"Never in a million years did Dawn Hall a k a `Aunt Dawn,' a facilitator for low-fat eating

groups and an aerobics instructor, imagine that the low-fat cookbook she'd been working on

for years would be used to help pay for an experimental treatment to save her 32-year-old

husband's life from an aggressive baseball-sized brain cancer. But that's exactly what

happened!" I know what you're thinking: Has this woman no shame? But hey, have you tried

her Brownie Ice Cream Cake?

The people in the catalogue are looking to get booked on radio and TV shows, so they can

sell their products and become rich and famous. The problem is that many of them seem like

the pathetic acts Broadway Danny Rose booked -- maybe you remember Barney Dunn, the

stuttering ventriloquist?

One solicitation begins: "Singer-Songwriter Tom Chapin Delivers -- True Stories of

Courageous Animals!" Now I've got three deadlines a week, 52 weeks a year, so I'm as

anxious as anybody for a heart-tugging yarn. But God help me if I ever write about how "a

factory farm pig with an injured leg is thrown into a trash container and rescued just in time."

So many of the ads here rely on sensational headlines to catch your eye. Like "How Washing

Can Keep You Cold, Flu and Cancer Free!" (Notice the emphasis on exclamation points.

They're everywhere!), in which Ken Seaton, author of "Life, Health and Longevity," explains

that the "single most important thing you can do to stay healthy is . . . to cleanse your eyes,

nose and under your fingernails."

Next, there is this headline: "How Eating Algae Can Make You Thinner, Happier and

Healthier!" Karl Abrams, author of "Algae to the Rescue," discusses "why Princess Di,

Barbra Streisand and Donna Karan eat blue-green algae!" (Just a guess: Because they are

morons.)

There's a man who has "101 Surprising Pigeon Facts!" (1. They poop; 2. They poop all over

the place; 3. Their poop is green; 4. They cannot be reliably housebroken; 5 . . . )

There's a German physicist who "proves" "There Is Life After Death!" One of the things he

explains is "how we can get information from dead people and what they can tell us." ("Leave

me alone, already. I'm dead.") Another man reveals "How to Have Satisfying Sex for Hours!"

(Hopefully, with someone other than yourself.) Still another man, a channeler, allows you to

"speak directly to Yokar, the priest and scientist from Atlantis." (That is, if Yokar isn't busy

and you have to speak to Boinkar, the mechanic from Atlantis.)

Here is Phyllis Kruckenberg, who is described as "one of the world's foremost authorities on

bras." And finally, here's Rina de'Firenze, whose book "Mystery of the Mona Lisa" reveals

that Mona Lisa was actually Leonardo da Vinci's mother!

I actually called the publisher to inquire how Ms. de'Firenze came to know this extraordinary

fact, and she said Ms. de'Firenze "did a lot of research . . . and she had psychic visions, and

the visions told her."

Oh.

Wait, wait. I am getting a vision right now.

I see a fat, bald, middle-age bearded man taking a brochure and, page by page, flushing it

down the toilet . . .

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