Fear Thee Well

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, November 9, 1997; Page F01
The Washington Post 

I'm scared.

I watch TV, I get scared. I listen to radio, I
get scared. I go home, I get scared.

I picked up the newspaper the other day and read
where a government panel has endorsed acupuncture
therapy. Our government. This scares me. Think about it: They
stick needles in your eyes. How can that be good? Was it good
for Oedipus? I don't think so.

What is our government going to endorse next,
slicing off your feet to cure calluses?

In my car the other day I heard this commercial
for a local TV newscast. A man with a deep, authoritative voice
says something like: "The Bomb. You were afraid of it
as a child.  The very words made you shiver. The Bomb. Then
the Cold War ended, and you thought you were safe from
weapons of mass destruction. But now The Bomb is back -- and
anybody can get one. Watch tonight for an exclusive
report."

Whaddya mean, anybody can get one?

Can Ruthann Aron?

Then there was an ad in the paper showing a woman
on vacation, sitting near the azure sea, eating a
plate of shrimp.

"She Just Picked Up a VIRUS to Bring Home to Her
Family and Friends." It implied that the waiter who
served that shrimp had just walked out of a filthy bathroom dripping
with hepatitis.

You don't have to be on "ER" to get the message:
Because he didn't wash his hands, now she can die!

Pretty scary, huh?

You know it must be "sweeps" month because all
the TV news shows are advertising exclusive reports on the
hidden killers in your home.

Tonight on Eyewitness News: What you don't know
about your porch light can kill you.

Tonight on Action News: What you don't know about
spackling compound can kill you.

Tonight on PBS: What you don't know about Gustav
Mahler can kill you.

Man About Town Chip Muldoon tells me the local
news where he now lives, in L.A., is terrifying. They're
running a series about the most dangerous places to be in your
car. There are three categories of danger: 1) Places where you
are most likely to get shot in a drive-by. 2) Places where you
are most likely to be stuck in gridlock and confront a
gun-wielding maniac wearing Wayfarers and a garter belt. 3) Places
where you are most likely to encounter Robert Shapiro.

"The greatest source of fear in L.A. is the sun,"
Chip said.

"Every newscast has special reports on how to
protect yourself from skin cancer and prevent age lines. Most
people are actually more concerned with age lines. They feel
it's bad to die, but it's worse to get wrinkles."

So you can't go outside. And you can't stay
inside. And you can't go on vacation, because even if the help
washes their hands, something terrible can still happen to
you. I heard this radio ad: "You've waited a full year for this
vacation. And now you're here. The meal is magnificent. The wine is
chilled. And you've got . . . a canker sore!"

Whew, I thought it was just leprosy.

Then the other night my son watched this TV show,
"The World's Deadliest Swarms," a top-quality program,
I'm sure; I'll bet they just missed landing Sir John
Gielgud to narrate it.  Anyway, my son loved the segment about the man
who was swarmed from head to toe by bees -- he was
covered with so much yellow and black, he looked like a school
bus. "He was laying on the ground," my son said excitedly,
"and when he opened his mouth hundreds of bees flew out, and
there were bees up his nose, and bees in his ears . . ."

I sit in the house now, scanning the horizon for
bees like the lookout on the Titanic, but my son's not scared.

He's ready to move on to "The World's Deadliest Toilets."

And while we're on the subject of my children,
the other day at school my ninth-grade daughter slammed into a
door and broke her nose, which she had to get fixed by a
plastic surgeon. I told her, "You're ahead of schedule,
kid. Most of the women in our family get this done in their
junior year . . ."

You're about to go into a stand-up, aren't you, Tony?

Speaking of plastic surgery, have you seen Roseanne and Cher
lately? Their skin is pulled back so far they look like chihuahuas
in a wind tunnel. I mean, their skin is so tight you can show
"Ben Hur" on it.

I saw Frank Gifford on TV the other night. Face
lift? They've lifted his cheeks so high he has no eyes! He's
seeing out of his hairline! He looks like one of those calves born
after Chernobyl.

And what's the deal with Bob Dole, being cagey
about his alleged face lift? Are you kidding me? It took 20
years off him.

He doesn't look a day over 80.

I always liked Dole because he was big into
Man-Tan. You would see him trudging through New Hampshire in
the middle of the winter, his face a translucent brown, as
if he'd dipped himself in roast beef gravy. Dole au jus. 

Bada-bing! Now, Tony, could we get back to the
part about you being scared?

No, I'm afraid not. 


© Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company