A Far Cry From Bold

For Crying Out Loud



By Tony Kornheiser



Sunday, May 19 1996; Page F01

The Washington Post 



The day after Bob Dole announced he was quitting the

Senate, virtually everyone in the media labeled his decision

"bold." The Washington Post and The Philadelphia

Inquirer called it a "bold gamble." The New York Times

called it a "bold maneuver."



He's not Old Bob Dole anymore.



He's Bold Bob Dole.



But what is so, um, bold about a 72-year-old man

retiring? It seems like the smart move -- to start collecting

Social Security now before the well runs dry. God only

knows what those career politicians in Washington will do

to Social Security by the time Dole's children are ready to

collect, next year.



Do you realize how long Bob Dole has been in the

Senate? When Dole was first elected, the electoral college

was the electoral high school.



Trying to live outside the Senate is going to be tough for

Dole. It may be like a goldfish trying to live outside the

bowl. There is a moment of blissful freedom. Then it starts

flopping around, and then it dies and the dog eats it.



Face it, the Senate is all Dole knows. Its language is his

language. The other day Dole went to the drive-thru at a

Jack-in-the-Box, and addressed the Clown as "The

honorable gentleman from North Carolina."



Bob Dole has been inside the Beltway since before there

was a Beltway. If Dole were any more inside, he'd be a

pancreas. He's a guy who has spent every moment of his

adult life in a suit and tie -- he has worn a suit and tie to

play beach volleyball! So wouldn't you know, the moment

he quit the Senate, Dole went out to campaign like a

Regular Guy, wearing an open-collared shirt. He looked

about as natural as a lawn flamingo.



Quitting his job to run for president is not bold. Here's

what would be bold:



If Dole quit the Senate to try out for the Chicago Bulls.

That would be bold.



If he announced he favored raising taxes by 60 percent for

everybody except his wife. That would be bold.



If, to show how tough he was, he ate a live rat. That

would be bold.



If he changed his name to Flip Spiceland. That would be

bold.



The real risk for Dole is that if he loses, he has to go back

to Kansas. The last time Bob Dole spent an entire week in

Kansas, Congress was debating whether to admit it to the

union as a free state or a slave state. (Dole cast the

deciding vote.)



Don't get me wrong. Kansas is a fine state full of many

fine people and cows. It's just that, except for the

tornadoes, it is not terrifically exciting. The most exciting

thing to happen in Kansas in the last 20 years was when

Wally Butterfield's chicken got into the feed bin and

exploded.



Anyway, the big news of Dole's announcement was that

he got teary. Bold Bob Dole, tough guy, war hero, had to

fight back tears when he said he was leaving the Senate.

Historically, the only guys who leave the Senate in tears

are, sadly, also leaving in handcuffs.



Now, apparently, it's okay for male politicians to cry.

Times weren't always so tender. In 1972, Edmund "Yes, I

Am Named For a Fish, but It Could Have Been Worse;

It Could Be Crappie" Muskie saw his presidential bid go

down the, uh, grouper when he cried in New Hampshire.



Today Muskie would have been fine. Today, everybody

cries. If you don't cry, you are considered cold and

unapproachable. Politicians have become so desperate to

cry, they will resort to tricks. They carry pocketsful of

onions. They practice thinking about their dog dying. The

camera has caught Bill Clinton secretly yanking out a nose

hair to bring a tear.



And it's not just politicians. Dennis Rodman went on

Oprah and cried. Dennis Rodman! The guy has 4,900

tattoos, and his body has been pierced more times than a

cheap flank steak -- and he cried on Oprah. (He also

wore a dress to his book signing. Down the road he may

become the first NBA player to have a designer bra.)



Athletes are crying all over the place lately. College kids

hold news conferences to announce they are leaving

school after one or two years to join the NBA and collect

millions of dollars. This should be a happy occasion. But

they are weeping when they say they would rather stay in

school and study logarithms than be forced by their dire

financial privation to drown in the tawdry adulation of

shallow, large-bosomed women.



In fact, today, the only people who can't cry are women. 



Women are thought to show weakness when they cry. It's

so unfair. Women are now where men were in 1962.

Hillary Clinton's next book will be called "It Takes a

Dump Truck."



I think this is the beginning of a massive role reversal.

Pretty soon women will start buying Barcaloungers,

hawking up loogies, hogging the remote, growing a gut the

size of a Saint Bernard, and entertaining each other with

simulated acts of flatulence. And then, the final indignity: 



They'll start leaving the toilet seat up. 



© Copyright 1996 The Washington Post Company