Won't You Come Home, Bill Clinton?

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, March 29, 1998; Page F01 

Perhaps you've noticed that President Clinton has gone to Africa for 11
days. He is being accompanied by his first wife, Hillary.

It is the most extensive visit to Africa by any U.S. president. Apparently,
the previous record was two hours, for refueling. President Reagan once
thought he was in Africa, but that turned out to be a screening of "The
Gods Must Be Crazy."

You may be wondering why the president of the United States would
choose to spend 11 days visiting such garden spots as Rwanda and
Uganda, when the most beautiful place on earth right now is here, in
Washington, at cherry blossom time.

Why is he in Africa? 

a. To bag a zebra on safari.

b. To bag an intern on safari.

c. To buy a phat dashiki to go with his mad-flava Indonesian batik shirt.

None of the above. The correct answer is:

d. Because it's harder for a process server to deliver a subpoena in
Botswana than at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW.

At this point, Clinton will go anywhere to get out of Washington.

He would happily climb on the next space shuttle -- but John Glenn had
dibs.

While in Africa, Clinton offered what was called "a broad expression of
contrition" for America's shameful role in slavery.

It was an important, heartfelt moment. But Clinton clearly sees the benefit
of staying on the road. And so his next trip will take him to Bolivia, where
he plans to spend 21 days and apologize for Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid. After that the president will be traveling to the Yukon
Territory to apologize for whale massacres in the late 1880s. Next he's off
to the Marshall Islands to apologize for "all that bird guano." And there's
talk that he'll visit the Wal-Mart in Port-of-Spain to apologize that they ran
out of the 24-packs of Diet Coke for $4.99.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure President Clinton is ever coming
back.

What's he got to come back to? He doesn't own a home. He lives in public
housing with a dog and a cat. And the law is after him. You put that profile
on anybody else, and the guys down at Max's 24-Hour Bail Bonds would
be getting very nervous.

From now on, Clinton will try to avoid Washington like Marcia Lewis
avoids the grand jury. You know how presidents will fly to flood-ravaged
areas and help with the cleanup to show how responsive they are? At this
point Clinton will helicopter to your home if you call about the standing
water in your basement.

In his zeal to get out of town, Clinton appears to have embarked on
something that looks like a farewell tour. Which is exactly what you do to
shore up a sagging career.

Look at what it did for the Judds.

I'm anticipating a video and a CD, including tunes like "Help Me,
Rwanda," "Ghana Get You Into My Life" and "Baby, You Can Drive
Dakar." I've already seen photos of Clinton dancing, holding babies and
shaking hands. If I didn't know better, I would assume he was running for
president of Senegal -- which might not be a bad gig, because that way he
could continue to claim executive privilege, and also sport a happenin'
leopard-skin hat.

(Speaking of the Judds, did you happen to take a gander at Ashley Judd
during the Academy Awards? She was wearing a skirt with a belt-high slit,
and appeared to have dressed in such a hurry that she plumb forgot her
undies. Let me simply suggest it's no wonder Ms. Judd wasn't cast in "The
Real Blonde." Even more shocking was that upon seeing Ashley's display,
Madonna and Drew Barrymore didn't peel off all their clothing in some
sort of ritualistic Slut-Off. The Judds are an accomplished family. Ashley
acts. Her mother, Naomi, is a best-selling author. And her sister,
Wynonna, hasn't missed a meal since 1992.)

It's no wonder Clinton doesn't spend any time stateside. I believe we're
now into double figures regarding the number of women who are being
sought by Ken Starr to testify whether they've had sexual relations with
Clinton. (As the boys in the frat house would say: "Double figures.
Sweet!")

Soon, Starr will have the records of every book these women have ever
purchased. What is this cluck thinking? Does he hope that Monica
Lewinsky -- thank God I finally got her name into this column; I was
running out of time -- bought Clinton a copy of "A Night to Remember"?
Or "Waiting to Exhale"? 

Anyway, while Starr continues to chase his own tail, here's what I predict
will happen when Clinton finally returns to Washington. He will be
wandering on the South Lawn when a bottle will drop from the sky. It will
be one of those new Virgin Cola bottles that the loopy Richard Branson is
selling in the surgically augmented shape of "Baywatch" love goddess
Pamela Anderson.

Drawn inexorably to that bodacious shape, Clinton will pick up the bottle,
draw it to his lips, then hold it over his head triumphantly -- as crowds of
tourists go wild and hail him as a new prophet.

The gods must be crazy. 

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