The Olympic Flaming

Idiots



By Tony Kornheiser



Sunday, June 9 1996; Page F01

The Washington Post 



This just in from the "Well, It Seemed Like a Good Idea

at the Time" Department:



The French Olympic synchronized swimming team has

been ordered to drop its planned routine about ValuJet

Flight 592's tragic plunge into the Everglades. 



I'm kidding, of course. That would be totally tasteless.

No, the French were actually planning a routine on . . . the

Holocaust. 



Yes, those dreadfully sensitive French, the ones who

break into tears at the very thought of red wine with fish,

had worked up a routine in which women in bathing suits

would pirouette upside down in the water, twiddling their

toes, while reenacting the arrival of Jewish women in the

death camps, their selection by Nazi doctors and their

final march to the gas chambers. The routine was set to

music from "Schindler's List." They were going to begin by

goose-stepping to the swimming pool.



Who's their choreographer, Marge Schott? I'll bet Mel

Brooks is kicking himself for not thinking of this first. 



You might say, well wait a minute, let's be fair. You might

say, what's wrong with using an Olympic event to

symbolize man's inhumanity to man? 



You might be an idiot. What's next, "Holocaust on Ice"?

("Brian Boitano is Hitler!")



Aside from the fact that the French didn't exactly put up a

titanic struggle against the Nazis, the problem with a

synchronized swimming routine about the Holocaust is that

synchronized swimming is not exactly a dignified

presentation of a social issue. Synchronized swimming is a

couple of hot chicks in bathing suits doing underwater

calisthenics while people laugh and point. (By the way,

speaking of the Nazis, did you see where Marion Barry,

in an excruciating public apology, claimed he wasn't

referring to Hitler and the Nazis when he compared the

city's financial review board to a totalitarian German

regime? Right. I'm sure Barry was referring to Emperor

Sigismund, famed despotic ruler of the early 1400s.) 



Anyway, nothing better symbolizes the sorry state that

Olympic competition finds itself in than the advent of

synchronized swimming. Over the years, pandering to

vulgar public tastes, the Olympics have completely

corrupted the concept of athletic competition. 



In the old days, before TV ratings, back when the

Olympics were pure, there were four basic Olympic

sports:



1. Running as fast as you could.



2. Running as far as you could.



3. Throwing something big and heavy as far as you could

without getting a hernia. 



4. Beating somebody up. 



For a long time that was the extent of sports, and it was

good. Then somebody invented beer, and to sell beer

somebody invented sports on television. Now the

pressure was on. Watching some fat guy throw the shot

put wasn't cutting it anymore. The Olympics needed to

appeal to a wide audience. The answer, as always, was:

SEX!



So they added gymnastics, in which tiny girls without

bones fly through the air like house cats. And ice dancing,

where couples dressed like fruit pies skate to the conga

and the mambo in a weird homage to Ricky Ricardo.

And, of course, synchronized swimming, where the

French are currently working up a substitute routine about

Pol Pot. Needless to say, none of these is a sport. But

then nobody thought ketchup was a vegetable until Ronald

Reagan said so.



This year the Olympics have gotten even more sleazy by

adding beach volleyball, a sport played by sun-addled

35-year-old surfer bums with names like "Woofie Spazz"

whose skin is the color and texture of Grade 4 sandpaper.

Beach volleyball has all of the complex strategy and

athletic finesse of Foosball, but is less exciting. The only

exciting part is watching the women, because they're

wearing small spandex bathing suits and at any moment,

their tops might fall off.



I'm sure this is only the beginning. Soon even beach

volleyball won't be enough. Viewers are going to want to

see and hear something more extreme, things they

consider real entertainment. I think the next great Olympic

sports will be:



1. Explosions. Countries will compete to detonate larger

and more spectacular fireballs. Iraq looks like a good bet

to bring home a medal.



2. Synchronized belching. This will appeal primarily to

men. 



3. Elevator shaft disasters. Basically, a vertical luge. 



4. Women in dresses on pogo sticks.



Oh, and runway modeling. The French would be great at

that.



@CAPTION: The author advocates a return to the time

when the Olympics were Olympian. 



© Copyright 1996 The Washington Post Company