On the Brinkley 

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, January 18, 1998; Page F01 

I feel terrible for David Brinkley.

Everybody in the news business is jumping on him because he
took a pile of money from Archer Daniels Midland, the
agribusiness conglomerate, to make some commercials. They
are mortified that Brinkley, who was out of a job at 77, might
want to eat again.

ABC, his old employer, has even pulled the ads. A month ago
they loved Brinkley as a friend and colleague. Now they think
he's a money-grubbing scuzzball. Pundits want Brinkley to
renounce the money. They're afraid ADM's new motto is:
"We've Got Brinkley in Our Pocket, and Now We're Coming
After Christiane Amanpour."

It could be a lot worse. Brinkley could have signed on with a
tobacco firm and started targeting the, ahem, "pre-adult"
market.

"Hi kids, I'm David Brinkley, a friend of Bart Simpson's. Your
parents trusted me with the news for years, and now I'm asking
you to trust me. Won't you try Skedaddles cigarettes --
Skedaddles, for the kid in all of us. Look for Skedaddles in the
bright foil pack with the puppy on the front."

Of course, they don't allow that sort of thing on TV anymore,
but if they did, somebody would do it to make a quick buck.
Maybe even me. 

I am open for business.

If David Brinkley can't sell Archer Daniels Midland's quality
products, I will.

(Other newspaper columnists have struck it rich: There's a TV
show about Dave Barry. Cindy Adams, a yenta with a New
York accent that makes Fran "The Nanny" Drescher sound
like Ingrid Bergman, has her own perfume called Gossip. I
need a vehicle to make me, Tony Kornheiser TM , huge.) 

Here is ADM's actual slogan: "Feeding the World, and Feeding
It Better."

And here are some of the foods the company's ingredients
actually appear in: Kellogg's Pop-Tarts. Doritos. Hamburger
Helper. Ragu spaghetti sauce. SnackWell's cookies.

Feeding the world, and feeding it, errrrpp -- excuse me --
better.

I eat that crap every day. I'm perfect to be their corporate
spokesman.

So what if Archer Daniels Midland pleaded guilty to price
fixing two years ago and paid a $100 million fine? As ADM's
corporate spokesman I'll tell people that price fixing is good,
because it takes the worry out of shopping, and nobody gets a
better deal than you. God bless Archer Daniels Midland.

They like their commercials folksy, don't they? I'll put on a
flannel shirt, sit on a tractor (move over, Lamar Alexander!)
and explain how you, too, can buy soybeans in a convenient
10-ton bag.

I've done my research, scouring the Internet to find out some of
the other fine products available from ADM. How about some
"oilseed"? Or "Harvest Burgers," described as "a pre-cooked,
crumbled product."

Doesn't that sound yummy? Pre-cooked and crumbled just like
Grandma used to make. I tried to think of other pre-cooked
and crumbled products. All I could come up with was the stuff
that school janitors scatter around to clean up little-kid barf. (I
don't suppose Archer Daniels Midland would want me to
reference that as I take a big bite out of a Harvest Burger.)

They also produce "phytonutrients." Here's my idea for a
phytonutrients commercial: Agents Scully and Mulder of "The
X-Files" stand in the foreground, their eyes wide in fear, as I
intone, "If you aren't familiar with phytonutrients yet, it's just a
matter of time." Archer Daniels Midland also produces
prebiotics. And isoflavones. (The Isoflavones -- didn't they do
"Don't Say Nothing Bad About My Baby"?)

Whatever happened to farmers producing actual food?

You know, like Pop-Tarts!

I'm shocked at the magnitude of the Brinkley flap. All they
hired him to do was sell foodstuffs. I'd buy food from David
Brinkley. In fact, I was hoping that when I ordered through the
clown's mouth at Jack in the Box I'd be talking to David
Brinkley.

Maybe I shouldn't try to snake Brinkley's job with Archer
Daniels Midland anyway. The big money isn't in agribusiness
anymore.

It's in football.

CBS, ABC, Fox and ESPN just ponied up $17.6 billion to
televise NFL football over the next eight years. (That's even
loopier than John Glenn going back into space at 77, the same
age as Brinkley. Maybe they ought to go up together and do
ads for Ensure. If this geezers-in-space thing works, we can
start depopulating South Florida.)

Forget phytonutrients. The moolah will flow to whoever can
explain first-and-10. After 25 years as a sportswriter I think
they're playing my song. 

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