Your Guess Is As Good as Mine
By Tony Kornheiser

Tuesday, December 9, 1997; Page E01 

Who am I?

Here's a hint: On Sunday, I said the following things on
television:

1. "He guessed it was an in or an out -- and it was a go. He
squatted at 17."

2. "You gotta be able to handle a TE, a TT and an ET."

Who am I? Do we have a guess?

Professor Irwin Corey?

No, sorry.

Here are some more hints. I also said:

3. "You're gonna see stunts by the blitz. By stunts, I mean
loops."

4. "They're playing the perfect funnel on the halfback flare."

I see we have another guess. Who am I?

William Safire?

Nope.

Let's try one more:

5. "They shook up Hostetler with a cover-two. This is gonna
be flat, flat, sag, flat. And Hostetler said `uh-oh.' "

Who am I?

Of course! I'm Jerry Glanville.

I'm the closest thing to inbreeding on national television.

And here's my M.O.: I may know what I'm talking about -- but
you certainly don't.

That's why I actually say stuff like, "You gotta run faster than
you are." And you scratch your head and ask, "How did this
schmoe get on TV? He must have photographs of Rupert
Murdoch with a duck."

Here's how you know the Redskins are in trouble: When there
are only three games to go in the season, and the Redskins
have Jerry Glanville announcing their game. There is national
coverage and regional coverage -- then there's Glanville
coverage. If Glanville's doing a game, Fox is broadcasting to an
area so small that your neighbors across the street may not get
it. Here's how far down on the pecking order Glanville is: The
color man just below Glanville is Boris Yeltsin.

Glanville even rubbed off on Kevin Harlan, whom I like. Late
in the game Harlan said, "The Redskins haven't won here in the
valley of the sun since 1992 . . . it's five long years for Norv
Turner." Which was fine, except for the fact that a) the
Redskins hadn't won in Arizona since 1991, and b) Norv
Turner has only been coaching the Redskins since 1994. It
reminded me of a famous line by a Boston scribe, who referred
to the stadium in Minneapolis as "the Herbert H. Humphrey
Metrodome, named after the late president." I guess it's the
thought that counts.

It's okay to write about the Redskins, right? You didn't want to
read another slurpy story about MCI Center, did you? I know
from reading the sports section that it's the greatest building in
the history of Western Civilization, and that it will elevate
downtown Washington to cultural heights not seen since Paris
in the days of Louis XIV -- but has anybody mentioned that
you might have to be Louis XIV to afford the $75 for a nice
seat to Les Boulez, and the $6 for a beer? What do they put in
those beers, gold bouillon?

Before we go any further, let me congratulate the Redskins on
doing the one critical thing they had to do against Arizona: be
ahead by more than eight points with less than two minutes to
go. Since we all know what the Redskins' two-minute defense
has done lately -- squadoosh. It gave up the winning points in
the last two minutes of the Dallas game. It gave up a
touchdown in the last two minutes of the first half against the St.
Louis Rams, and then the winning field goal in the last two
minutes of the game. It gave up a touchdown in the last two
minutes of the first half against Arizona, too. In the case of the
Redskins' two-minute defense, the best defense is a good
offense. And Washington had that.

Old pro Brian Mitchell gave the Redskins a jump-start with a
first quarter that included a 63-yard punt return touchdown and
a 69-yard pass reception. And older pro Jeff Hostetler was
everything fans hoped he would be -- and so much more than
he had been against the New York Giants three weeks ago.
Hostetler is no swan. He's ungainly, and he squirms around like
a worm. But he's a pro. He's been doing this for a long time,
and he knows how to make the train run.

Hostetler had barely thrown to his wide receivers all game until
Aeneas Williams got hurt. Then, with the Cardinals playing
rookie cornerbacks, Hoss got busy finding Michael
Westbrook, Henry Ellard and Albert Connell. There may not
have been a more welcome sight all season than Hoss lying on
his back, pointing his index fingers to the sky after a touchdown
pass. Every quarterback has a different style of celebrating a
touchdown. Joe Montana raised his arms in triumph; John
Elway clenches his fists. Hoss points his fingers. Gus smashes
his head into a wall. Go figure.

So the Redskins finally won in Arizona. And they finally won
without Terry Allen. To give Glanville some credit, his best line
came after Harlan mentioned the possibility that Allen's ankle
sprain might cause him to miss the Redskins' last three games.
Chagrined that an ankle sprain would take so long, Glanville
said, "If your doctor can't get him back, you gotta get a new
doctor."

I suppose eventually you'll want me to mention the word
"playoffs."

As you know, if the playoffs were held today the Redskins
would be in. (So would the New Jersey Nets and Ottawa
Senators for that matter.) And if my grandmother had wheels,
she'd be a bicycle.

The Redskins now find themselves in a similar position to
where they were three weeks ago: They have the Giants, the
team they have to beat, standing right in front of them.

The script for the game centers on Hostetler's homecoming.
The Giants are Hoss's old team, the Meadowlands is his old
home. Once upon a time, in relief of Phil Simms, Hostetler
pitched the Giants to a Super Bowl. Now, three games after
the Giants shelled him, the Redskins are giving Hoss the ball
again, hoping he knows the ballpark well enough to keep his
new team in the game.

The playoff picture is very complicated. It behooves the
Redskins to beat the Giants. But even if they don't, they still will
be alive for a playoff spot -- depending upon what Detroit,
Minnesota, El Salvador and the San Antonio Spurs do. The
one sure way you'd know the Redskins are out of it by the
Philly game is if Glanville is broadcasting. 

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