The Jokes, On Me

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, December 29 1996; Page F01

The Washington Post

I'm often asked, "Tony, what's the story behind this wonderful tradition of devoting your

entire New Year's column to jokes you have heard?"

My answer is simple. I believe that shared laughter is the best laughter; I believe in the dignity

of storytelling as folk art; I believe in the marketplace of free ideas; I believe I want to get the

heck out of the office and watch football games.

Thanks to Jon Luria in Virginia for this one:

A lawyer buys a $60,000 Lexus. For weeks all he talks about is his $60,000 Lexus. One

day, while driving to work, he's broadsided, and his car is totaled. The lawyer emerges from

his car and begins wailing to the offending driver, "How could you do this to my $60,000

Lexus?"

A policeman arrives on the scene, and while he's writing up the report the lawyer is still

ranting about his $60,000 Lexus. Finally, the policeman can't take any more, and he turns to

the lawyer and says: "You lawyers are all alike, so selfish and materialistic. For example, look

at yourself. Your left arm has been torn off, and all you care about is your car."

For the first time the lawyer looks down at his left arm and notices that it's gone. And he

immediately gasps, "Oh, my God! Where's my $3,000 Rolex?"

Thanks to Claude Watkins of Virginia for this one:

Two guys are out walking their dogs, a Doberman and a Chihuahua. It's hot, and the guy with

the Doberman suggests they stop in a bar for a beer. The Chihuahua owner figures the bar

won't let them in with dogs, but the Doberman owner says, "We'll say they're Seeing Eye

dogs, and they'll have to let us in." And with that he walks into the bar.

The bouncer sees him and says, "Hey, you with the Doberman. No dogs allowed."

"This is a Seeing Eye dog," the Doberman owner says.

"A Doberman Seeing Eye dog?"

"Yes, they've found that Dobermans make great Seeing Eye dogs. They're smarter than

German shepherds, and less temperamental."

The bouncer lets him in.

Seeing this, the Chihuahua owner walks into the bar.

The bouncer sees him and says, "Hey, you. No dogs allowed."

"It's a Seeing Eye dog," the man says.

"A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog??"

"What?" the man says. "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Here's one sent in by Jim Walczy of Maryland:

There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he

can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?

The first patient says, "139."

The second one says, "Wednesday."

The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."

The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks

how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.

"It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."

This one comes from Sam Intrater of Maryland:

Max comes back to town after having moved to Florida. He goes to visit his old friend Phil,

whom he hasn't seen in years. They chat about old times for a while, and then Max says,

"How's your memory, Phil? I seem to forget things."

Phil says, "Hey, I've got a great doctor for you. I was starting to forget things myself, and I

heard about a doctor who gives a memory course. And it's terrific. He has you associate

things and names with other things. You should see him."

Max says, "I'd love to. What's his name?"

And Phil says, "It's, er, uh, wait a minute. Let's see . . . a flower! Yeah, it has a long stem, it

smells good. It's usually red, but it can be yellow . . ."

"A rose?" Max prompts.

"That's it!" Phil says. And he shouts, "HEY, ROSE, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT

DOCTOR I WENT TO?"

Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, a priest and a hippie are on a commuter plane, when smoke

begins billowing from the engine. All four of them look to the emergency kit, and they see

there are only three parachutes. Clinton leaps up and says, "I'm the president of the United

States, and the leader of the free world. I must live." And he grabs one, and jumps out.

Gingrich leaps up and says, "I'm the smartest man in the world. I must live." And he grabs one

and jumps out. The priest gets up and turns to the hippie, and says, "My son, I'm a cleric. I've

spent my life contemplating spiritual things, and I'm ready to meet my Lord. I have no fear of

death. I want you to take the last chute." The hippie gets up slowly and says, "Padre, it's cool.

The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

The large animals are playing the small animals in football. At the half the score is 49-0 in

favor of the large animals, and the captain of the small animals, the rabbit, is dismayed. On the

first play of the second half, the large animals give the ball to the rhinoceros. But he is tackled

for a loss by a millipede! On the next play, the hippopotamus is tackled for a loss by the

millipede. The rabbit is ecstatic. He rushes to the millipede, and asks, "Where were you in the

first half?"

"Putting on my sneakers."

Happy New Year.

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