`Seinfeld,' With Substitutes 

By Tony Kornheiser

Saturday, December 27, 1997; Page D01 

What's the deal with everybody saying that "Seinfeld" is over
because Jerry is leaving?

The show's not about Jerry.

The show's about nothing, remember? It can easily continue
without any controlling intelligence, much like "Home
Improvement."

First of all, Jerry isn't nearly the funniest thing on "Seinfeld."
George Costanza's parents are. Jerry isn't as funny as Kramer.
He isn't as funny as Elaine. And yada, yada, yada. The only
really funny thing Jerry ever says is, "Hello, New-man." And
they have that on tape. They can find a way to get it on the
show.

What are they really losing without Jerry?

The cereal thing.

But, you know, they keep George's job thing and Kramer's
lawsuit thing and Elaine's big salad thing. I mean it's not like
Jerry Seinfeld leaving "Seinfeld" is like Dick Van Dyke leaving
"The Dick Van Dyke Show" or Mary Tyler Moore leaving
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

Yes it is, you idiot.

Oh, well, maybe it is. But my point is that if they did this right it
could be months before anyone notices Jerry is gone. Hey, this
is New York, where apartments are rent-controlled. Nobody
leaves a rent-controlled apartment. Why would Jerry?

Let's say he's got a cousin, Harryplayed by anybody but that
awful Richard Lewis. Harry moves into the apartment and
says, "Jerry went to France for a while. He got great bookings.
So I'm subletting his apartment. It's rent-controlled. Jerry
wouldn't leave. Are you crazy?"

France. Of course!

So everything stays the same. George's parents still bicker
relentlessly at Festivus. Elaine still breaks up with the same guy
15 times every show, still has bad hair and still works for that
pretentious catalogue schmo, Peterman. George still tries to
date women in penitentiaries, still thinks that a good parking
space is the most important thing in life and still takes off his
shirt when he goes to the bathroom. Kramer is still on the
cutting edge of social trends, like self-basting and the
"man-ssiere." He still barges into Jerry's apartment. He still falls
down. They're all every bit as shallow as they've always been,
and they all still hang out in that same coffee shop. Except
every so often one of them says, "Shouldn't we wait for Jerry
and then order?"

And the others say, "Nah."

The obvious move is to try spinoffs. "SinnFeinfeld," set in an
apartment in Belfast. "Kramer After Dark," where he's a TV
host dressed in silk pajamas, master of his own domain. "I Am
Curious, George," where an unemployed bald man sits in a
room and channel-surfs. "The Courtship of George's Father," in
which Frank Costanza moves to Miami and scores with June
Lockhart. "Elaine's So-Called Life." "Newman's Own."

But there's no reason to panic. When the first Darrin left
"Bewitched," they just hired a new Darrin and plugged him in
like you would a Renuzit. Everybody thought "Cheers" would
go down the drain without Shelley Long. But look how its
ratings soared when Jimmy Smits and his smoldering machismo
joined the cast. (Or was that "NYPD Blue"?)

 So keep "Seinfeld" "Seinfeld" -- without Seinfeld.

And if the ratings falter, bring in "guest Jerrys." One week it's
Chris Rock standing in the apartment eating cereal. One week
it's Henry Kissinger, mediating conflicts at the Soup Nazi's.
One week it's Ellen DeGeneres. She'd probably want to do
Jerry as a gay guy -- not that there's anything wrong with that.

Hey, I'm from Long Island. I've got the accent. My parents
moved to Florida. I'm completely self-absorbed. I spend most
of my time talking about my life and my work and my friends.
I'll be Jerry. 

© Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company 

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