Empty Threads

By Tony Kornheiser

Sunday, April 20 1997; Page F01
The Washington Post

As I got dressed the other day, I looked at the clothing I was putting on, and I realized that
every stitch had someone else's name on it.

My pants said "Geoffrey Beene." My shirt said "Pierre Cardin." My tie said "Bill Blass." My
jacket said "Giorgio Armani." My underpants said "Calvin Klein." And I thought to myself:
What if I get hit by a bus and suffer amnesia? How would I ever figure out who I was?

I've got nothing against famous clothing designers, no prejudices whatsoever, except that
they have ridiculous names like Gianpietro Fazooli, and they go "kiss kiss" when they meet
rich women, and they wear preposterous combinations of things, like burlap jodhpurs with a
cummerbund and boutonniere, and their hair looks like it was applied with a cake icing
spatula, and they make way much more money than I do.

As I say, I have nothing against these ridiculous clowns. I can even live with clothing
designers branching out a little bit -- say, hawking a line of eyeglasses or even fragrances.
But things are getting out of hand when you see:

Ralph Lauren Interior Semi-Gloss Paint.

Let me quote from one of Ralph's ads: "Ralph Lauren paint -- the colors of America bringing
spirit and character to the home."

I guess only Ralph Lauren could make white paint look so . . . so, um, white.

The ad goes on to brag: "Unique palettes inspired by places and lifestyles that have come to
define Ralph Lauren: sport, country, thoroughbred, Santa Fe and safari."

Did you know that Ralph Lauren comes from the Bronx? And that his real name is "Lifshitz"?
So how is it that "country, thoroughbred, Santa Fe and safari" have come to define him?
When you say "Santa Fe and safari" in the Bronx, people think you're telling them the precise
street corner at which to meet for the purpose of exchanging stolen merchandise for cash. As
for thoroughbreds, the only horseflesh you'll find in the Bronx, unfortunately, is on a bun at
the White Castle on Fordham Road.

Ralph Lauren and paint? You buy paint at a hardware store. Does Ralph Lauren,
professional fashion fop, strike you as a guy who spent a lot of time in a hardware store?
Does he look like a handy guy? I mean, if your toilet backed up, would you call Ralph
Lauren?

(Actually, that might be pretty cool. "Hey, Ralphie boy . . .")

There is such a thing as overstepping one's bounds. Donna Karan now makes men's clothes,
too. That's okay with me, except it is hard for me to imagine what kind of a man would
proudly wear a Donna Karan creation, however finely tailored it may be. I'm not sure that
after a night of trading lies and flexing tattoos and sucking down Schlitz and cigars with the
guys, I'd want to be seen at the urinal in my Donna Karan briefs.

But Donna crosses the line when she makes:

Donna Karan candles. And Donna Karan water bottle holders.

Where is she going next, power tools?

"Hey, Bud, I got a problem with some oak trees on my property. Big storm went through
and knocked 'em over like bowling pins. Gotta cut 'em away. You got one of them Donna
Karan chain saws? I'd like it in ecru. "

A few years back, I'm told, Oscar de la Renta's name was on actual pieces of fresh fruit. I'm
wondering if he signed the fruit after it was picked, or he somehow managed to develop a
strain of fruit that would grow with his signature already on it.

It has gotten totally absurd. Michael Jordan is marketing cologne. It is as though the industry
is trying to seem ridiculous. Why not Alan Greenspan condoms? Maya Angelou boxing
gloves? Martha Stewart towing?

"Yo, this is Joey Buttafuoco. I am oiging you to poichase my new line of embroidered
hankies . . . "

Will there be a Tickle-Me Elmo Growth Fund? Disney's Donald Duck upright vacuum
cleaners?

I'll tell you what would earn my respect: if some company followed the lead of those old
Smuckers ads, where they made fun of their name. But this company would have to go one
step further. They would have to create a product that couldn't possibly sell if it weren't
fabulous.

Imagine a line of fresh, top-of-the-line meats -- lamb chops, T-bone steaks, the best ground
sirloin, proudly sold in the finest groceries by . . . Alpo.

Now that would impress me.

The Tony Kornheiser Unofficial Home Page
Anyelet's Demesne
GeoCities